So my friends and I are planning a ritual for PantheaCon '09 maybe (we hope it gets picked up!) or just for us.   It is based on the Wizard of Oz mythos and Dorothy's journey therein.  Having seen the movie and read some of the numerous books, the maxim of "what you do not have within, you will not find without," holds true.  Dorothy always had the power to go home, but what is home?  In my interpretation of this story, home is me.  Truly accepting myself and being not only proud of me but also amazed by me.

This is REALLY hard for me to grasp in all honesty.  I have always battled with extremely low self esteem, feeling worthless, and alone.  Growing up in a fundamentalist Christian household, my father was an elder and as such our family was and still is in some respects held to the same standards as the preacher, on top of that dealing with various health issues.  I grew up believing that everything I did was wrong or just not good enough, something that still haunts me now.  I wasn't supposed to be interested in occult things, I wasn't allowed to love rock and roll, and according to my grandmother - if I wasn't skinny enough, no one would ever love me!

Fast forward to 1993, post abortion and break up with a verbally and emotionally abusive beau, I began studying Witchcraft and found that it resonated more soundly than other paths I had experienced in the past - secretly of course.  This is where I first heard "what you do not have within, you will not find without."  This made some sense,  in the grand scheme of things but could I really have all I need within myself?  Will I ever become the Priestess I want to be?  What does that phrase really mean to me?  In the subsequint 15 or so years,  my path has taken me hither and yon but always back to Withcraft.  While I have undergone many changes, gotten stronger, be more helpful to my community.  I am still more comfortable out there, not so much in here.

Acceptance is the real issue here.  Can I accept myself, good, bad, ugly, totally blessed and worthy?  I am trying.  Some days it's real hard.  This whole week it's real hard.  I have to remember that I am surrounded by wonderful people that love me and value me.  They see in me what I have such a hard time seeing in myself.  When I think that these folks are really smart, loving people - I wonder why don't I get it?  Why can't I see see me?  Does this keep us humble, the inability to see our sevlves the way others see us.  What a wonderful gift to tell someone how wonderful they truly are!

So here I am mulling over all of  this, with emotions ranging from "hey, I am OK!", to "dude,  would the world be better off without me?"  Right now its more the Hey, I am ok!  That's good, because last night was definitely the other and that was really yucky!  I guess that as we plan I will be going non my own quest, where it will lead I don't know but if my in world is half as incredible as Dorothy's I know it will be worth the trip and I will come home to myself.

So begins my internal travelogue!

It's been a long time since the last time I posted.  A lot of things have been going on since then,  Ostara, Beltaine and Litha have all past.  In these past months I have gone from being very, very unemployed to being very much employed.  My mariage is going through a rough patch, things are good then things are bad.  Marriage is not for sissy's!

I started taking a Feri class taught by Veedub, very interesting and challenging.  I've had surgery on my left eye, not so much fun but then seeing verses not seeing is a choice that makes those decisions a lot easier to make.  My full moon group that meets at my house is wonderful, we are moving into a more serious phase of our existence so that is very exciting.   My Gardnerian group might just double in size very soon!  My Kemetic group has also grown, another blessing.

When the darkness surrounds me and I cannot see the light, I remember how lucky, fortunate and loved I am.  I want to thank the Deities, the Netjeru, and all of you that have supported me, sent me healing energy, or just called to say hello.  I could not have made it through without you!  

Djehuty, my surgeon with mighty skill He fixed my eye and He continues healing it.   Sobek my Netjer Lover stands beside me, protecting me always.  The Goddess encircles me with love and peace.

Blessed Be.

WOW!  What a ride it has been!  From Samhain to Yule it was pretty bleak, but with Imbolc it brought in new beginnings.  I am so glad to be where I am now, while it was rough I would not change a thing.  We are given lessons and gifts all the the time.  What we do with them is up to us. 

I was unemployed for just over 6 months, I had given up hope.  I was getting desperate.  Thne a friend of mine, a former boss had an an opening.  I had followed her from one job to another.  This one looks promising, I can actually live comfortable, survive here and grow.

I am so grateful for this new job, I look forward to growing in it and one day  to retire from it.  I want to thank each and every one of you who sent me positive energy, or lighted a candle for my cause, or just for a moment held me in your thoughts.  Our community, intimate and vast has pulled me through the darkness.  Sustained me through my fears, and has celebrated with me my freedom from the oppression of depression.

I honor our community with the coming solstice, for all that we can accomplish - how we stand united, how we keep our faith, and how we bless our non-Pagan communities by being ouselves.

My love and heartfelt thanks to each of you!

Much Love & Many Blessings,

Mary

Samhain was just glorious this year, I hope everyone had a wonderful experience!  The evening was pleasant, we handed out candy to the children and teenagers.  They were all fabulous!  We had lots of TMNT's, Spidermans, princesses, one Rainbow Bright, and a collection of others.  After the mass onslaught twindled into nothingness, we had a beautiful ritual at home.  We are all links in this great chain of life, blessing children and honoring our ancestors at least one night a year is the least we can do!

Aaron was too pooped to participate, which is okay since Wicca isn't exactly his thing, but when is up to it he does particpate.  Anyways, I lead the circle with a dear friend from my old coven.  He was just perfect.  We had 2 other particpants.  So it was small and intimate, just like it I wanted it to be.  We called the Ekos, dedicated the elements,, censed and aspurged everyone, including Gypsy!  As I made my way around the circle, she just looked at me like "Well, aren't you going to do me too?"  So I aspurged her and my HP censed her!  We finished up with  that cast and had our ritual.  When we opened the Western Gate for our ancestors and loved ones, Gypsy stood at the altar looking out into the darkness! 

She's been in with before when doing ritual, but I always thought it was because so wanted to be with me and those particpating.  While I think that is partly the case, she is such a people person after all!  Now I am sure that she is a very Witchy dog!  She was just amazing, my friend and talked about her participation all day today! 

Hey, if dogs are good enough for Hecate.  Well they are certainly good enough for me!

Here's to our Ancestors, the Gods, our loved ones - living and pssed, and all of our familiars whatever their species!

Happy Samhain & Happy New Year, One and All!

Well, friends it's time once again for another episode of Mary's Questioning Mind!  Let's tune in shall we? Last time we left, Mary was stewing.  In this episode...

Faith, I am trying hard to have faith that the Lady will put me in the right job, at the right time,  and in the right place.  I got my hopes up that I would have heard something back by now about my phone interview that took place a week and a half ago.  Alas nothing yet.  I trust Her, I know She will not, nor has She ever failed me, and yet the waiting is making me very anxious. 

My interviewer and I "clicked" over the phone!  I think that is a good thing, missing the visual body language and all.  We really seemed to have a meeting of the minds as well as of spirit.  He had a week long conference to go to before getting back to his candidates.  It's been 3 business days since he got back, and I haven't heard anything yet.

I am being impatient and this is Her way of saying hang on, Honey.  As I write this blog, I see that maybe that is just it.  Maybe I am just too impatient.  I have all the patience in the world for everyone else, just not myself!  Oi Vey!

Faith is what we make of it.  It took me a long time to regain the feeling of having faith, I don't want to let go of it.  The Gods, know and support us in ways we don't even see or know about.  Ritual helps us build those relationships with our Gods, but its the faith that keeps us going inbetween.  I talk to Them everyday, pour my heart out and they hear it.  I am going to BREATHE and remember that while I am doing my part of the job hunt, looking, posting resumes, and doing spellwork.  They are doing their part, directing my path, making me resume standout from the others.  Together, Gods and me, the right job, at the right time, in the right place will be made known.

Have faith, Mary.  Have faith.

Next time on Mary's Questioning Mind...

Mary!  Here is the job offer you've been waiting for!  Everyone, let us do the Dance of Joy!